Everyone seems to be searching for something these days. To be “well.” To live “better.” But what does that actually mean?
I never asked myself that until I was sitting in a doctor’s office with a diagnosis I didn’t want to believe. It was the kind of moment that stops you. Not in a romantic, life-affirming way. But in a “you can’t keep going like this” kind of way.
I didn’t want to be in that seat. I didn’t want a reality check. But I got one anyway.
And in that moment, everything I’d been building, balancing and burying came to the surface. I had spent years climbing—faster, higher, hungrier—through multiple projects, multiple businesses, multiple versions of myself I didn’t have time to sit with. I told myself I was chasing freedom. But the truth was: I was just running.
When I finally made the decision to take Matte Equation full time, it didn’t feel victorious. It didn’t feel like a founder moment worth posting about. It felt like surrender.
I wasn’t ready to celebrate it because I didn’t choose it in joy—I chose it in crisis. I chose it because my body was giving out. I chose it because I fainted on a regular weekday. I chose it because, despite everything, something in me knew I couldn’t keep living like this. Burnout isn’t always loud. It can be a silence that haunts in the night that you never come back from.
When people talk about wellness, they picture green juice, soft robes, vitamins, gorgeous salads and morning routines. But I’ve learned that wellness doesn’t always look like that.
Wellness, for me, was incredibly lonely and gruesome. I had to learn how to stop performing. It was stepping into a business I built—not for the optics, not for the pitch decks, but because this was the thing that could hold me while I rebuilt.
Wellness was ugly at first. It was rage. It was grief. It was eating alone. It was deleting Slack and checking my phone repeatedly in hopes of notifications of people needing me. Most of all, it was uncertainty dressed up as freedom.
But now—I’m slowly learning to love that this is my job. That I get to help people realize they don’t have to burn out to feel worthy. That you can walk away from what was killing you. That you can build something sacred, slow and good—on your own timeline.
Taking Matte Equation full time wasn’t the highlight reel moment I imagined. But it was the most honest decision I’ve ever made. I still get scared. The fear still lingers. But these days, I remind myself that fearlessness isn’t about being unafraid. It’s about showing up anyway—with softness, curiosity, and a little bit of faith.
We’re all fearless—we’ve just forgotten.
So if you’re in the middle of your own decision you’re not ready to celebrate yet, I promise you this:
Some of the best things in life begin at rock bottom. You just haven’t lived the rest of the story yet.
** The Quantum Mud Mask is central to Matte Equation's origin story. Get your mask to give yourself a stress-free experience.